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Michelle Obama Moves Arrhythmically with Dusty Root Vegetable, Inspires Youth

WASHINGTON, DC—Youth everywhere are putting down their mayonnaise poppers and sugar injections and picking up bitter, vitamin C rich bulbs of turnip in response to FLOTUS Michelle Obama’s short, uncomfortable post to Vine last night.

Nevertheless, some critics remain skeptical of the efficacy of the first lady’s hip take on healthy living.

President Obama Kidnapped, Secret Service Smells Something Fishy

WASHINGTON - Following media reports that President Barack Obama was kidnapped yesterday, the Secret Service released a statement that expressed its belief that something smelled fishy.

“We are of the opinion that something suspicious is going on,” said acting director Joe Clancy in a press briefing, as the Commander-in-Chief was whisked away from the White House in a burlap sack carried by two burly, masked men. “We’re not quite sure what it is, yet, but it’s definitely something that we should check out.”

White Straight Men Announce Merger With White Gay Men

After years of deliberation, the White Straight Men of the United States have announced their willingness to collaborate and share resources with the White Gay Men of the United States. Although the two groups have experienced tensions in the past, members of the former WSMUS have expressed regret for their past actions noting that progress is “inevitable.” Both groups have expressed optimism for the joint venture, which will henceforth be known as White Men Unltd.

Argentina Boasts 8th Greatest Total Land Area in World

Argentina still boasts the world’s 8th greatest total land area, with 1,073,518 square miles to Germany’s 137,847.

“That’s nearly eight times as much land!” shouted native Argentinian Sam Vasquez over a deafening chorus of the German national anthem. “Almost makes you feel sorry for Germany.”

Germany, which has not budged from its ranking of 63rd on the list of countries with the greatest land area, has very little hope of improving its ranking in the foreseeable future, let alone rivaling Argentina in land area.

Berth Control Ruling Makes Waves

In the wake of the Supreme Court's recent Hobby Lobby ruling, executives across the nation have chosen not to pay for employees' berth control. 

"It's absolute chaos out here," said Michael Sullivan, of the International Longshoremen's Union, "yachts are crashing into dinghies. People keep mixing up their jetskis and their oil tankers. And don’t get me started on the–OH MY GOD, THE ‘USS CONSTITUTION’ IS ON FIRE.”

Millions of Americans Now Believe They Give a Shit About Soccer

MANAUS - Despite having little understanding of the rules and feeling uncomfortable with the lack of commercial breaks, millions of people throughout the United States now genuinely believe they give a fuck about soccer.

"I love America, so of course I love #USMNT too," wrote first-time die hard soccer fan Kevin Williams in an e-mail to Satire V. Williams noted "It was total bullshit that they gave Portugal five extra minutes to score that goal, they normally only give a minute or two," showing a clear lack of understanding for how injury time is added.

The Prophet Elijah Drank a Little too Much Wine this Passover Season

New York City, NY—The Prophet Elijah, a beloved traditional figure of the Jewish holiday of Passover and herald of the Messiah, reportedly had a little too much Manischewitz wine this Passover season, according to reports of Jewish families all over the United States and (to a lesser degree) Canada.

In a Satire V-NBC poll, the most common response to the question, “How would you describe the Prophet Elijah this year?” was “shwasted”. In contrast, in last year’s poll “serene” and “magnificent” tied for first place.

Boston Marathon: Too Soon?

Boston, MA—As spectators excitedly gather to watch the 118th Boston Marathon, many of the runners can be heard grumbling about the much-anticipated event.

 “The marathon is no joking matter. It’s too soon,” said Joseph Anderson, a Boston native. “Seriously, the date crept up on me. I haven’t had enough time to practice and I’m not nearly in good enough shape to run this.”

 Many participants are complaining about people who do not take the marathon seriously enough.

Supreme Court: People are Corporations Too

Calling its decision a "win for human beings," the Supreme struck down the individual cap on political donations, allowing people to contribute just as much to Republican candidates as corporations do. 

Chris Martin: "All of My Melancholy Songs Were About My Marriage"

Following the announcement that he and wife Gwyneth Paltrow have decided to separate, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin revealed in an interview that the band’s most melancholy and wistful songs were metaphors for his 10-year long marriage to the actress.