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Indiana Farmer Sentenced to 20 Years for Picking Corn Early

Peyton Connors, a fifty-seven year old farmer from just outside of Rochester Township, has been sentenced to twenty years in prison in an Indiana state court after prematurely picking an ear of corn from one of his small fields.

“Well I’ll be darned,” said Connors following his conviction Monday afternoon, as he was led handcuffed from the courtroom through screaming crowds of both pro-choice and pro-life corn activists.   

Cheating Scandal Shatters Atlantans' Faith in Competence of Municipal Government

Atlanta, GA--After eleven Atlanta Public Schools administrators received criminal convictions for conspiring to change their students' test scores, residents of the city have been shocked by the revelations of corruption and dysfunction in their government.

"I've heard of things like this happening, but in all my years of living in Atlanta, I never thought it would happen here," said Leroy Peters, 41, an accountant. "I thought that the civil servants of Atlanta would be above something like this. I guess I was wrong."

Satire V's MLB Preview

New York Yankees
The Bronx Bombers, coming off an unsuccessful season, are hoping to compete for a playoff spot this year. Although GM Brian Cashman calls it "cost effective," some scouts are doubtful that the team's decision to replace Derek Jeter with a pile of cash will pan out. 

San Francisco Giants
The Giants will probably be in the World Series again, but for some reason you will forget about them.

Ted Cruz Stopped Listening To Rock Music on 9/11, When He Heard Nickelback

Washington, D.C.--In an interview this week on CBS This Morning, presidential hopeful Senator Ted Cruz stated that he used to listen to rock music until September 11, 2001, when Nickelback’s album Silver Side Up debuted. “Music is interesting,” he said. “I’ll tell you sort of an odd story,” he told the audience. “My music taste changed on 9/11. And it’s very strange. I actually intellectually find this very curious. But on 9/11, I first heard Nickelback’s single ‘How You Remind Me’. And then I heard it again. And again.

Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor to Battle Superman, Crippling Social Anxiety

Today, director Zack Snyder announced that Jesse Eisenberg will play Lex Luthor in the upcoming film Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, in which he will battle the iconic superheroes as well as his own endearing yet paralyzing awkwardness.

“Imagine Lex Luthor as the quirky, misunderstood loner who you’ve always imagined him to be,” said Snyder. “He’s a little obsessive-compulsive, but deep down he’s just looking for love. And he wants to blow up Metropolis.”

Satire V’s Guide to March Madness

Indianapolis, IN--It’s that special time of year again, when you squeeze into last summer’s shorts, go to JP Licks for something other than hot cocoa, and feign interest in sports for the ten minutes it takes to put together a bracket for March Madness. But wait—the only sporting event you watched in its entirety in the past year was Harvard-Yale football. And you were blackout drunk for that. What are you gonna do?

Clarence Thomas Admits That He is Groot

WASHINGTON, D.C - In a rare break from his reticence on the bench, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, known for his reserved persona, spoke up last week during the King v. Burwell lawsuit, saying, “I am Groot.”

Nation Really Excited to Hear Ferguson's Next Excuse

Ferguson, MO - Following the recent news of the Department of Justice’s investigation into Ferguson’s police department, polls indicate that most Americans are really looking forward to hearing Ferguson’s new excuse for why it isn’t racist.

Seymour Krelborn Comes Out in Favor of GMOs

After the unexpected death of local Mushnik’s Flower Shop owner and namesake Mr. Mushnik, former shop assistant and current de facto-owner Seymour Krelborn has come out in support of genetically-modified organisms, or GMOs. 

When asked why the de facto owner of a flower shop would want to set up an impromptu press conference outside the storefront to declare is support for GMOs, Krelborn responded, “Don’t worry about it, okay?”

America Just Not That Into Rudy Giuliani

At a dinner featuring 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Scott Walker, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed, “I do not believe that the president loves America.” America has since responded that it’s “just not that into him.”

The country, famous for its tendency to carefully consider involving itself in other people’s problems, decided that it had to weigh in on Giuliani’s remarks.

“Look, I understand he’s really into me.  And who wouldn’t be?” said America. “We had our thing a few years ago but now I’m just so over Ricky Giovanni.”