San Francisco Giants
The Giants will probably be in the World Series again, but for some reason you will forget about them.

Washington, D.C.--In an interview this week on CBS This Morning, presidential hopeful Senator Ted Cruz stated that he used to listen to rock music until September 11, 2001, when Nickelback’s album Silver Side Up debuted. “Music is interesting,” he said. “I’ll tell you sort of an odd story,” he told the audience. “My music taste changed on 9/11. And it’s very strange. I actually intellectually find this very curious. But on 9/11, I first heard Nickelback’s single ‘How You Remind Me’. And then I heard it again. And again.

Today, director Zack Snyder announced that Jesse Eisenberg will play Lex Luthor in the upcoming film Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, in which he will battle the iconic superheroes as well as his own endearing yet paralyzing awkwardness.

“Imagine Lex Luthor as the quirky, misunderstood loner who you’ve always imagined him to be,” said Snyder. “He’s a little obsessive-compulsive, but deep down he’s just looking for love. And he wants to blow up Metropolis.”

Indianapolis, IN--It’s that special time of year again, when you squeeze into last summer’s shorts, go to JP Licks for something other than hot cocoa, and feign interest in sports for the ten minutes it takes to put together a bracket for March Madness. But wait—the only sporting event you watched in its entirety in the past year was Harvard-Yale football. And you were blackout drunk for that. What are you gonna do?

WASHINGTON, D.C - In a rare break from his reticence on the bench, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, known for his reserved persona, spoke up last week during the King v. Burwell lawsuit, saying, “I am Groot.”

Ferguson, MO - Following the recent news of the Department of Justice’s investigation into Ferguson’s police department, polls indicate that most Americans are really looking forward to hearing Ferguson’s new excuse for why it isn’t racist.

After the unexpected death of local Mushnik’s Flower Shop owner and namesake Mr. Mushnik, former shop assistant and current de facto-owner Seymour Krelborn has come out in support of genetically-modified organisms, or GMOs. 

When asked why the de facto owner of a flower shop would want to set up an impromptu press conference outside the storefront to declare is support for GMOs, Krelborn responded, “Don’t worry about it, okay?”

At a dinner featuring 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Scott Walker, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed, “I do not believe that the president loves America.” America has since responded that it’s “just not that into him.”

The country, famous for its tendency to carefully consider involving itself in other people’s problems, decided that it had to weigh in on Giuliani’s remarks.

“Look, I understand he’s really into me.  And who wouldn’t be?” said America. “We had our thing a few years ago but now I’m just so over Ricky Giovanni.”

WASHINGTON, DC--In a rare moment of conviviality following the District of Columbia's legalization of recreational cannabis use this week, all 100 members of the US Senate lit up together in the basement of the Hart Senate Office Building, leading to what observers have described as "no change whatsoever" in the amount of work the body got done.

In response to President Obama's veto of Congress' proposal for the Keystone XL Pipeline, Republican leadership announced plans thursday for the new "Keystone Light" Pipeline, which they referred to as a "leaner, more refreshing" alternative to the much-publicized transnational oil conduit.

"We need to recognize that the American oil industry has ever-changing tastes," Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters. "And this new bill gives our refineries more bang for their energy buck."