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George Pataki Desperately Scans Debate Crowd For Parents

BOULDER, COLORADO—Reporting that he’d really hoped they could make it to this one, particularly since they missed his last two press conferences, fourteenth-place presidential candidate George Pataki appeared to be searching the audience at the Republican Party’s “undercard” debate for his mom and dad, who had both promised to come see him.

“I even told them I’d be on the left half of the stage,” the former New York Governor announced, his voice faltering as he surveyed the unsmiling crowd at the Coors Events Center.

Study shows that blinging hotline could in fact mean one of several things

TORONTO, ONTARIO: University of Toronto researchers have discovered that despite the commonly held belief that "when that hotline bling/that can only mean one thing," a blinging hotline could in fact signify one of many different things.

Biden Meets Mysterious Figure in Parking Garage After Announcement

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Following the conclusion of his announcement not to run for President in 2016, Vice President Joe Biden left the White House Rose Garden, entered an unmarked car, and silently drove away to an undisclosed location. From there, he walked seven blocks, stopped, looked both ways to make sure no one was following him, and turned into a dimly lit parking garage. At the end of a bleak row of empty parking spots stood a shadowy figure waiting for Biden’s arrival.

“Is it done?” asked the mysterious person.

Clinton Unable to Stop Smiling During Benghazi Hearing

WASHINGTON, D.C. ­– Unable to suppress her excitement, a giddy Secretary Hillary Clinton sat before the Select Committee on Benghazi Thursday to give a testimony once again on the September 11, 2012 attacks, a day after Vice President Joe Biden announced that he would not seek the 2016 Democratic nomination for President. On Thursday morning, Clinton was dropped off at the site of the hearing by a party bus rented just the night before.

LEAKED: Paul Ryan's List of Conditions for Speaker of the House Position

WASHINGTON, D.C — Earlier today, Rep. Paul Ryan told House Republicans that he is willing to serve as Speaker of the House, but only on his terms. A leaked list of his demands confirms that the Wisconsin representative does indeed want the support of every GOP bloc, but that is the least of his concerns. Satire V obtained an exclusive copy of Ryan's list of demands.

Hillary Clinton Loses Debate to Prison Team

Las Vegas, NV - Hillary Rodham Clinton was dealt a crushing defeat at the first Democratic debate Tuesday night, losing to a team of inmates from a high security prison in upstate New York. Clinton, who relied heavily on the anecdote of being a grandmother to get her through the night, just couldn’t compete with the prisoners, who had limited access to the Internet in prepping for the debate.

Obstructionist, Far-Right Congressmen Announce Plans to Unite Party, Congress, Nation

WASHINGTON, DC-- In front of a throng of reporters today on Capitol Hill, a small group of obstructionist, far-right congressmen announced their plans to overcome partisan gridlock and national political disillusionment by working together to alienate the GOP, Congress, and the nation.
 
The press conference came after House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) withdrew from the race to replace House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), who plans to resign at the end of October. 
 

Republican Congressmen Not Sure What A Mammogram Is

Following yesterday’s hearing about Planned Parenthood at the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, many Republican members of Congress expressed uncertainty about the meaning of the word “mammogram,” which was used multiple times during the hearing.

“I’ve never heard that word before,” said Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ). “But everyone kept saying it over and over again. It was driving me crazy. Mammogram, mammogram, mammogram!”

After Rough Week, Nation's Mainstream Republicans Binge Watch NCIS

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA-- It was a wild week for the nation's mainstream Republicans. Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race, House Speaker John Boehner announced his resignation from Congress, and Donald Trump now shares the GOP nomination lead with Ben Carson in the polls. Republicans have sought solace from this whirlwind in their favorite TV drama, NCIS.
 

Investment Banker Convinced Hotel Maid Stole His Watch

 

Late Tuesday afternoon, Morgan Stanley banker Steven Longstreet reportedly came to the grave realization that Houston resident Felicia Gomez had most definitely stolen his $10,000 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Datejust Rhodium Diamond wristwatch, without a doubt.

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