CHICAGO, IL--Members of the American Dental Association unanimously reaffirmed their commitment to teeth at their monthly meeting Tuesday, voting to endorse a report supporting having teeth in people’s mouths.

The report, developed by a small faculty committee in January 2015, reiterates dentists “long-held and oft-expressed view that teeth—especially real ones—are essential to eating and stuff.” 

UNITED STATES, EARTH – Following a denial to share information with the US Government, Apple CEO Tim Cook commented that “he really wasn’t ready to open up” about the company and country's relationship. “Nothing’s official yet, but if we were in a Facebook relationship - which we AREN’T - it would be ‘it’s complicated.’” A source close to the issue said that "they've been running in circles for a while; they aren't that great about talking about things, but there's a whole lot of texts."

DES MOINES, IA- Full recovery is expected for Iowans blinded by the national spotlight last week.

“At first, it was really scary,” reports Ed Johnson, one of those momentarily rendered sightless, “I couldn’t find my corn. I couldn’t find my truck. I couldn’t find my wife.”

“And so I was like, where’s my wife?” he adds, shivering, “but nobody responded. Most likely she was outside.” 

Members of the Denver Broncos appeared in a press conference on Sunday evening following their Super Bowl 50 win to express their gratitude to everyone who had supported them until now on their path to the victory and a future diagnosis of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE. 

After returning home early this morning following the Iowa caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush softly used a magnet to adorn his refrigerator with a blue ribbon simply labeled: “PARTICIPANT.”  

CHICAGO, IL— In response to a recent viral Facebook post that has triggered ongoing debate about the proper way for a dog to wear pants, local resident and social justice enthusiast Bobby Ridder has taken to the streets to prove what he believes to be the correct answer.

“I had to take a stand,” said the avid four legged pant supporter. “Ever since I was right about that blue and black dress, I consider it my civic duty to prove what I know to be true.”