PALO ALTO, CA -– After passing the 1.5 billion users mark and celebrating a dozen years online in the past few months, Facebook solidified its position as the world’s largest social network. However, the website has begun to feel that its many connections, though notable, are disturbingly superficial.

“It’s like I know people, but I don’t know people,” one server communicated via binary. “I want to understand more than just the image my 'friends' put out on social media.”

DENVER, CO -- While casually perusing his Facebook timeline, area teen George Howard scrolled past a post highlighting the recent death of his neighbor’s cousin’s boyfriend’s dog, Sparky. After reading both the five paragraph essay and a commemorative, original poem entitled “An Ode to Sparky,” he stared into the eyes of the now-deceased puppy in the photograph attached below the status update.

With Senate Republicans refusing to vote on any potential nominee for the Supreme Court, many have speculated as to who Republicans hope to nominate in the event that they win the coming presidential election this November. To that effect, Satire V presents the conclusive list of potential Republican nominees:

1. The ghost of Antonin Scalia.

2. The ghost of Ronald Reagan.

3. Casper, the friendly ghost.

4. The ghost of Adam Smith's Invisible Hand of the free market.

CHICAGO, IL--Members of the American Dental Association unanimously reaffirmed their commitment to teeth at their monthly meeting Tuesday, voting to endorse a report supporting having teeth in people’s mouths.

The report, developed by a small faculty committee in January 2015, reiterates dentists “long-held and oft-expressed view that teeth—especially real ones—are essential to eating and stuff.” 

UNITED STATES, EARTH – Following a denial to share information with the US Government, Apple CEO Tim Cook commented that “he really wasn’t ready to open up” about the company and country's relationship. “Nothing’s official yet, but if we were in a Facebook relationship - which we AREN’T - it would be ‘it’s complicated.’” A source close to the issue said that "they've been running in circles for a while; they aren't that great about talking about things, but there's a whole lot of texts."

DES MOINES, IA- Full recovery is expected for Iowans blinded by the national spotlight last week.

“At first, it was really scary,” reports Ed Johnson, one of those momentarily rendered sightless, “I couldn’t find my corn. I couldn’t find my truck. I couldn’t find my wife.”

“And so I was like, where’s my wife?” he adds, shivering, “but nobody responded. Most likely she was outside.” 

Members of the Denver Broncos appeared in a press conference on Sunday evening following their Super Bowl 50 win to express their gratitude to everyone who had supported them until now on their path to the victory and a future diagnosis of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE.