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After Rough Week, Nation's Mainstream Republicans Binge Watch NCIS

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA-- It was a wild week for the nation's mainstream Republicans. Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race, House Speaker John Boehner announced his resignation from Congress, and Donald Trump now shares the GOP nomination lead with Ben Carson in the polls. Republicans have sought solace from this whirlwind in their favorite TV drama, NCIS.
 

Investment Banker Convinced Hotel Maid Stole His Watch

 

Late Tuesday afternoon, Morgan Stanley banker Steven Longstreet reportedly came to the grave realization that Houston resident Felicia Gomez had most definitely stolen his $10,000 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Datejust Rhodium Diamond wristwatch, without a doubt.

Jimmy Carter Announces He's Still Alive

ATLANTA, GA-- At a Carter Center press conference in Atlanta on August 20, former President Jimmy Carter confirmed that he is in fact still alive.
 
“Yep, here I am,” said President Carter. “In the flesh.”
 
Carter’s announcement was met with shock and confusion from the public.
 
“What are you talking about?” said Cambridge resident Henderson Pierce. “Jimmy Carter died in, like 2004. It was on TV and stuff.”
 

Who Said It: Antonin Scalia or The Ferocious Beast?

1. "Argle-bargle"
 
2. "Jiggery-pokery"
 
3. "Great googly moogly"
 
4. "Tutti-frutti"
 
5. "Solo! Solo! Too nakma noya Solo!"
 
 
 
 
 
Answers
 
1. Antonin Scalia: United States v. Windsor
 
2. Antonin Scalia: King v. Burwell
 
3. The Ferocious Beast: Every single episode of Maggie and the Ferocious Beast
 

Warden Looking to Build Plucky Team of Inmates Around Aaron Hernandez

Leavenworth, KS--Speaking after the former Patriots tight end was sentenced to life without parole, Leavenworth Penitentiary Warden Claude Maye told sources that he was really looking forward to building a prison yard football team around Hernandez.

“Aaron Hernandez is just the tight end Leavenworth needs to put our team on top,” Maye said. “Now I just need to get a team behind him.”

Martin O’Malley Visits Qdoba, No One Notices

Cambridge, MA—Last week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made headlines when she ordered a burrito bowl at a Maumee, Ohio Chipotle and no one recognized her.

In advance of his speech at the JFK Jr. Forum today, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley stopped by Qdoba in Harvard Square and also went unrecognized.

“I thought I’d surprise the everyday Americans of Harvard Square, just like Secretary Clinton did,” said the soon-to-be Democratic presidential candidate, O’Malley.

Nation’s Uncles Mobilize For Next Round of Racist Facebook Posts

North Charleston, SC—Following the news that North Charleston police officer Michael Slager would face homicide charges following the death of Walter Scott, a coalition of bigoted uncles from across the United States announced their readiness to say hateful things about African-Americans on Facebook at a moment’s notice.

Indiana Farmer Sentenced to 20 Years for Picking Corn Early

Peyton Connors, a fifty-seven year old farmer from just outside of Rochester Township, has been sentenced to twenty years in prison in an Indiana state court after prematurely picking an ear of corn from one of his small fields.

“Well I’ll be darned,” said Connors following his conviction Monday afternoon, as he was led handcuffed from the courtroom through screaming crowds of both pro-choice and pro-life corn activists.   

Cheating Scandal Shatters Atlantans' Faith in Competence of Municipal Government

Atlanta, GA--After eleven Atlanta Public Schools administrators received criminal convictions for conspiring to change their students' test scores, residents of the city have been shocked by the revelations of corruption and dysfunction in their government.

"I've heard of things like this happening, but in all my years of living in Atlanta, I never thought it would happen here," said Leroy Peters, 41, an accountant. "I thought that the civil servants of Atlanta would be above something like this. I guess I was wrong."

Satire V's MLB Preview

New York Yankees
The Bronx Bombers, coming off an unsuccessful season, are hoping to compete for a playoff spot this year. Although GM Brian Cashman calls it "cost effective," some scouts are doubtful that the team's decision to replace Derek Jeter with a pile of cash will pan out. 

San Francisco Giants
The Giants will probably be in the World Series again, but for some reason you will forget about them.

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