Late Tuesday afternoon, Morgan Stanley banker Steven Longstreet reportedly came to the grave realization that Houston resident Felicia Gomez had most definitely stolen his $10,000 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Datejust Rhodium Diamond wristwatch, without a doubt.

Leavenworth, KS--Speaking after the former Patriots tight end was sentenced to life without parole, Leavenworth Penitentiary Warden Claude Maye told sources that he was really looking forward to building a prison yard football team around Hernandez.

“Aaron Hernandez is just the tight end Leavenworth needs to put our team on top,” Maye said. “Now I just need to get a team behind him.”

Cambridge, MA—Last week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made headlines when she ordered a burrito bowl at a Maumee, Ohio Chipotle and no one recognized her.

In advance of his speech at the JFK Jr. Forum today, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley stopped by Qdoba in Harvard Square and also went unrecognized.

“I thought I’d surprise the everyday Americans of Harvard Square, just like Secretary Clinton did,” said the soon-to-be Democratic presidential candidate, O’Malley.

North Charleston, SC—Following the news that North Charleston police officer Michael Slager would face homicide charges following the death of Walter Scott, a coalition of bigoted uncles from across the United States announced their readiness to say hateful things about African-Americans on Facebook at a moment’s notice.

Peyton Connors, a fifty-seven year old farmer from just outside of Rochester Township, has been sentenced to twenty years in prison in an Indiana state court after prematurely picking an ear of corn from one of his small fields.

“Well I’ll be darned,” said Connors following his conviction Monday afternoon, as he was led handcuffed from the courtroom through screaming crowds of both pro-choice and pro-life corn activists.   

San Francisco Giants
The Giants will probably be in the World Series again, but for some reason you will forget about them.