LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—Calamity and chaos reign supreme in the McDaniels family living room, as the return of the household’s toy soldiers from the basement—prompted by the arrival of the Louisville McDanielses and their seven-year-old son Thomas—has led to an all-out war between six-inch-tall plastic Nazis and six-inch-tall plastic cowboys.

HIDDEN HILLS, CA—In a display of benevolence that is attracting pilgrims from as far afield as Brentwood and Malibu, Saint West, the son of Kimye and patron saint of celebrity rags, has officially blessed People magazine with his exclusive first photo shoot.

Following the Pentagon’s historic decision on Thursday to open all combat jobs in the military to women, men in the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force expressed their fear that the presence of women would force them to put the toilet seat down after using the bathroom.

In an effort to provide new fashion accessories for supporters, Donald Trump’s campaign announced Tuesday that it was introducing new “Make America Great Again!” armbands.

“We’ve been going all over the country, and people have been asking us, ‘How can we get involved? How can we show that we think Mr. Trump is the man America needs?’” said campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. “And we realized that no one has ever tried armbands before! No one. It’s an amazing opportunity!"

After careful consideration, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced yesterday that the recipient of his $45 billion donation will be deadweight loss triangles.

A student of Ec 10 in his freshman year at Harvard, Zuckerberg was reportedly deeply affected by the shaded triangles which represent economic inefficiency on graphs of supply and demand. “I can’t take it anymore—no trade should have to go unexploited like that. It’s just plain cruel,” said the internet tycoon.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK–Miss Nicole of the Oklahoma Wesleyan Montessori School has come out strong against the politically correct culture prominent in Preschools across the nation.  “Listen up you precocious brats, just because Brian called Samantha a Poopy Head doesn’t mean he’s a misogynist piglet,” Miss Nicole reportedly told her class during snack time early Tuesday morning.  “You all need to get a thicker skin.” 

DES MOINES, IA – The second Democratic presidential debate took place this Saturday evening, drawing a total of three viewers from within the coveted 18-49 demographic who were actually home at 9 pm. 

Recent allegations have surfaced that I am not tough. Ask anyone who really knows me though and you’ll hear the truth: I’m the hardest, meanest son of a gun ever to walk this earth.

I’ve always had a “don’t mess with me” attitude. In seventh grade I once fought a kid and beat him up so bad that he moved to another country where he can never be located or contacted or anything so don’t try to find him because you won’t be able to. No one saw it, but it happened. And I swear to God if he shows his face again I’ll send him to another solar system.

LOS ANGELES, CA -– Ten minutes ago, Netflix released a statement saying that it plans to create a new series called School, which will follow the lives of five socially awkward teenagers played by full-grown adults as they navigate topical social issues in a progressive yet relatable manner. Five minutes later, Netflix announced that cast members of School who have not successfully transitioned from TV to film will return for a highly-anticipated revival series – More School – set to air after a post-finale mourning period of an appropriate length.