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Jimmy Carter Announces He's Still Alive

ATLANTA, GA-- At a Carter Center press conference in Atlanta on August 20, former President Jimmy Carter confirmed that he is in fact still alive.
 
“Yep, here I am,” said President Carter. “In the flesh.”
 
Carter’s announcement was met with shock and confusion from the public.
 
“What are you talking about?” said Cambridge resident Henderson Pierce. “Jimmy Carter died in, like 2004. It was on TV and stuff.”
 

Who Said It: Antonin Scalia or The Ferocious Beast?

1. "Argle-bargle"
 
2. "Jiggery-pokery"
 
3. "Great googly moogly"
 
4. "Tutti-frutti"
 
5. "Solo! Solo! Too nakma noya Solo!"
 
 
 
 
 
Answers
 
1. Antonin Scalia: United States v. Windsor
 
2. Antonin Scalia: King v. Burwell
 
3. The Ferocious Beast: Every single episode of Maggie and the Ferocious Beast
 

Warden Looking to Build Plucky Team of Inmates Around Aaron Hernandez

Leavenworth, KS--Speaking after the former Patriots tight end was sentenced to life without parole, Leavenworth Penitentiary Warden Claude Maye told sources that he was really looking forward to building a prison yard football team around Hernandez.

“Aaron Hernandez is just the tight end Leavenworth needs to put our team on top,” Maye said. “Now I just need to get a team behind him.”

Martin O’Malley Visits Qdoba, No One Notices

Cambridge, MA—Last week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made headlines when she ordered a burrito bowl at a Maumee, Ohio Chipotle and no one recognized her.

In advance of his speech at the JFK Jr. Forum today, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley stopped by Qdoba in Harvard Square and also went unrecognized.

“I thought I’d surprise the everyday Americans of Harvard Square, just like Secretary Clinton did,” said the soon-to-be Democratic presidential candidate, O’Malley.

Nation’s Uncles Mobilize For Next Round of Racist Facebook Posts

North Charleston, SC—Following the news that North Charleston police officer Michael Slager would face homicide charges following the death of Walter Scott, a coalition of bigoted uncles from across the United States announced their readiness to say hateful things about African-Americans on Facebook at a moment’s notice.

Indiana Farmer Sentenced to 20 Years for Picking Corn Early

Peyton Connors, a fifty-seven year old farmer from just outside of Rochester Township, has been sentenced to twenty years in prison in an Indiana state court after prematurely picking an ear of corn from one of his small fields.

“Well I’ll be darned,” said Connors following his conviction Monday afternoon, as he was led handcuffed from the courtroom through screaming crowds of both pro-choice and pro-life corn activists.   

Cheating Scandal Shatters Atlantans' Faith in Competence of Municipal Government

Atlanta, GA--After eleven Atlanta Public Schools administrators received criminal convictions for conspiring to change their students' test scores, residents of the city have been shocked by the revelations of corruption and dysfunction in their government.

"I've heard of things like this happening, but in all my years of living in Atlanta, I never thought it would happen here," said Leroy Peters, 41, an accountant. "I thought that the civil servants of Atlanta would be above something like this. I guess I was wrong."

Satire V's MLB Preview

New York Yankees
The Bronx Bombers, coming off an unsuccessful season, are hoping to compete for a playoff spot this year. Although GM Brian Cashman calls it "cost effective," some scouts are doubtful that the team's decision to replace Derek Jeter with a pile of cash will pan out. 

San Francisco Giants
The Giants will probably be in the World Series again, but for some reason you will forget about them.

Ted Cruz Stopped Listening To Rock Music on 9/11, When He Heard Nickelback

Washington, D.C.--In an interview this week on CBS This Morning, presidential hopeful Senator Ted Cruz stated that he used to listen to rock music until September 11, 2001, when Nickelback’s album Silver Side Up debuted. “Music is interesting,” he said. “I’ll tell you sort of an odd story,” he told the audience. “My music taste changed on 9/11. And it’s very strange. I actually intellectually find this very curious. But on 9/11, I first heard Nickelback’s single ‘How You Remind Me’. And then I heard it again. And again.

Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor to Battle Superman, Crippling Social Anxiety

Today, director Zack Snyder announced that Jesse Eisenberg will play Lex Luthor in the upcoming film Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, in which he will battle the iconic superheroes as well as his own endearing yet paralyzing awkwardness.

“Imagine Lex Luthor as the quirky, misunderstood loner who you’ve always imagined him to be,” said Snyder. “He’s a little obsessive-compulsive, but deep down he’s just looking for love. And he wants to blow up Metropolis.”

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