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Paper Straws Turned Me Conservative

paper straws

by a Millennial Coastal Elite

A put my full support behind the overwhelming majority of liberal policies and initiatives. In fact, there are many times where the Democrats don’t go far enough in pursuing racial, socioeconomic, gender, and environmental justice. But let me tell you one thing that I just can’t come to accept: paper straws. 

49ers Forced to Wear Jorts in Super Bowl by Stadium Sponsor Levi’s

MIAMI, FL – With the Super Bowl only days away, ESPN and FashionMagazine are reporting that the San Francisco 49ers are contractually obligated to wear blue denim shorts for the Big Game.

Reports say normal practice was interrupted Wednesday by representatives from Levi’s who stormed the facility in Santa Clara and began handing out new pairs of the questionably fashionable jean-shorts from size S (coach Kyle Shanahan) to XXXXL (lineman Justin Skule). 

BREAKING: Kamala Harris Insists She’s Been Listening to Lizzo Since She Was in Law School

LOS ANGELES, CA- When asked on the Ellen show who her favorite musician is, Kamala Harris, 54, immediately said it was Lizzo, 31, claiming that she has been her biggest fan since her final year at the University of California, Hastings College of the Law. 

NFL Midseason Analysis: Man Throw Ball Really Good

FOXBOROUGH, MA – This week, the New England Patriots faced off in a heated match against the Kansas City Chiefs, resulting in a moment where Patriots quarterback Tom Brady throwed the ball real good like.

Amazon Fulfillment Center Worker Breaks 400 Meter Sprint Record

PHOENIX, AZ – The world champion of 400 meter sprint, Olympian Wayde van Niekerk, was dethroned by thirty five year old Amazon warehouse worker Griff Brown as he stocked packages to meet the latest deadlines imposed by his supervisors.

Rudy Giuliani Legally Changes Name to “Widdle Baby” to Avoid Prosecution

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The last few weeks have been tumultuous for the Trump Administration. With the House threatening impeachment and many of Trump’s associates facing jail time, a few of the president’s closest advisors have developed creative solutions to avoid prosecution. Most notably, the politician formerly know Rudy Giuliani has legally changed his name to “Widdle Baby.”

Peace at Last! Joe Biden Pledges to Withdraw Troops from Vietnam

Joe Biden

In a press conference on Tuesday, former Vice President Joe Biden took a staunch anti-war stance and promised to remove all troops from Vietnam within his first two years in office. “President Trump has been lying to us about this war for far too long, and frankly the American people are sick and tired of the violence they learn about day after day on their transistor radios and in moving pictures,” Biden said.  “It’s time we focus less on the Viet Cong and more on the important issues, like fighting climate change and preserving Obamacare.”

New Driver’s License Photo Fastest Cure for Narcissism, Report Psychologists

TUCSON, AZ- A shocking study by the American Psychological Society has discovered simply taking a new driver’s license photo at the Department of Motor Vehicles cures nearly all cases of narcissism. The results of the double-blind study demonstrated that 98% of previously categorized narcissists no longer met the DSM-V criteria for narcissism merely 3 minutes after viewing the close-up taken in flourescent lighting.

Senate Passes H.R. 2529, Confirming There Are, Indeed, No Laws When One Is Drinking Claws

Some Republican Senators with their paws on the Claws with no laws!

WASHINGTON, DC—Late Saturday evening, following months of partisan gridlock, the Senate set aside its differences to unite for the common good. In passing H.R. 2529, the legislature has determined that there are, indeed, no laws that apply to a person who is currently in the process of drinking Claws.

The trending hashtag on Twitter, #whiteclawsnolaws, has been tweeted by figures across the political spectrum. Former Vice President Joe Biden does not know what Twitter is, but he did yell, “Number sign white claws no laws!” at a pigeon early last week.

We Asked Five Anti-Natalists of Various Political Persuasions to Express Their Thoughts on the Trump Whistleblower Affair. Here’s What They Had to Say:

“…that man is a blemish on the cosmos” — Thomas Ligotti, The Conspiracy Against the Human Race


“…a monster that kills everything it comes in contact with.” — Thomas Bernhard, Concrete


“It may even be indecent for family members to expect that person to continue living.” — David Benatar, Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence