FOXBOROUGH, MA – This week, the New England Patriots faced off in a heated match against the Kansas City Chiefs, resulting in a moment where Patriots quarterback Tom Brady throwed the ball real good like.

PHOENIX, AZ – The world champion of 400 meter sprint, Olympian Wayde van Niekerk, was dethroned by thirty five year old Amazon warehouse worker Griff Brown as he stocked packages to meet the latest deadlines imposed by his supervisors.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The last few weeks have been tumultuous for the Trump Administration. With the House threatening impeachment and many of Trump’s associates facing jail time, a few of the president’s closest advisors have developed creative solutions to avoid prosecution. Most notably, the politician formerly know Rudy Giuliani has legally changed his name to “Widdle Baby.”

In a press conference on Tuesday, former Vice President Joe Biden took a staunch anti-war stance and promised to remove all troops from Vietnam within his first two years in office. “President Trump has been lying to us about this war for far too long, and frankly the American people are sick and tired of the violence they learn about day after day on their transistor radios and in moving pictures,” Biden said.  “It’s time we focus less on the Viet Cong and more on the important issues, like fighting climate change and preserving Obamacare.”

TUCSON, AZ- A shocking study by the American Psychological Society has discovered simply taking a new driver’s license photo at the Department of Motor Vehicles cures nearly all cases of narcissism. The results of the double-blind study demonstrated that 98% of previously categorized narcissists no longer met the DSM-V criteria for narcissism merely 3 minutes after viewing the close-up taken in flourescent lighting.

WASHINGTON, DC—Late Saturday evening, following months of partisan gridlock, the Senate set aside its differences to unite for the common good. In passing H.R. 2529, the legislature has determined that there are, indeed, no laws that apply to a person who is currently in the process of drinking Claws.

The trending hashtag on Twitter, #whiteclawsnolaws, has been tweeted by figures across the political spectrum. Former Vice President Joe Biden does not know what Twitter is, but he did yell, “Number sign white claws no laws!” at a pigeon early last week.

“…that man is a blemish on the cosmos” — Thomas Ligotti, The Conspiracy Against the Human Race

“…a monster that kills everything it comes in contact with.” — Thomas Bernhard, Concrete

“It may even be indecent for family members to expect that person to continue living.” — David Benatar, Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence

1.     You said she’s scared of me? I mean, I don’t see what she sees but maybe it’s cause I’m wearing your cologne.

2.     Don’t worry. She won’t find out. Your kids are too stupid to notice us.

3.     Every time you talk, you talk about me, but you swear I’m not on your mind.

4.     I’ll meet you in the park. I’ll be calm and collected.

5.     You horny babe?

6.     Call me friend but keep me closer. (Call me back!)

7.     You can pretend you don’t miss me. You can pretend you don’t care. All you want to do is kiss me.

REIMS, FRANCE – After confusion regarding which sport they were meant to be playing, the United States opened up their FIFA Women’s World Cup with a resounding 13-0 victory over Thailand on Tuesday.

While their opponents resorted mainly to kicking the ball, starting Quarter/Center Back Crystal Dunn threw for over 300 yards and both US touchdowns. Ironically, star striker Alex Morgan missed an extra point kick which would have extended the scoring record even further.

CHAPPAQUA, NY: Standing in the bathroom of her Westchester residence, Hillary Clinton was overheard in an attempt at positive manifestation, chanting, “I’m going to become president,” and muttering to no one in particular that “there’s no one who can stop me.” Staring at her own reflection in the polished metal, the 71-year-old politician concluded the tired monologue by trailing off with the words, “third time’s the charm…”