CHAPPAQUA, NY: Standing in the bathroom of her Westchester residence, Hillary Clinton was overheard in an attempt at positive manifestation, chanting, “I’m going to become president,” and muttering to no one in particular that “there’s no one who can stop me.” Staring at her own reflection in the polished metal, the 71-year-old politician concluded the tired monologue by trailing off with the words, “third time’s the charm…”

By Former GOP Congressman Aaron Schock

Yes, I made out with a man at Coachella yesterday. Yes, I have been quietly bringing twinks to my apartment in DC for years. Yes, I spent my anti-LGBT campaign contributions on luxurious late-night dates with young men and overpriced tickets to Katy Perry. But before you pass judgment, just remember one thing: I voted against gay marriage, so I can’t be gay. It’s not gay if you vote against LGBT rights, bro.

CUPERTINO, CA- Since introducing its new Measure app in June, Apple has successfully obtained the dick size of every man in America, a spokeswoman for the tech giant announced on Friday.

“It was quite simple, really,” Kathryn Eiss, Apple’s Chair of Public Relations, told reporters. “We were hanging out in Cupertino just shooting the shit, and Monique from accounting was like, ‘I wonder what the real average American dick size is.’ Well, we put our engineers to work on the project right away, but even we couldn’t have guessed how successful it would be.”

PALM SPRINGS, FL -- To work some rust off after the long winter offseason, the faculty of the Harvard physics department has taken their lab equipment south for the annual week of Spring Training, where they plan to work bent coils back into shape and gear up for a strong season.

NASA has recently announced that they are considering onboard comedians to accompany the astronauts on the first human Mars mission to help the team through stressful situations. Although this program may be far off in the future, there are some obvious candidates that come to mind. These comedians will be sure to provide a sense of unity for the squad, reduce psychological stress, boost morale, and definitely not leverage their comedic charm for bizarrely specific sexual acts while living in close proximity.

OSCARS-At the Golden Globes, Bohemian Rhapsody cemented its status as a solid Oscar contender after winning the award for Best Motion Picture-Drama. The movie centers around the late Freddie Mercury but to the untrained eye you might have missed the greatest star of all: The AIDS Epidemic scrolling through the credits in size 5 font.

I don’t normally cry during movies, but when the Mars Rover died at the end of Marley and Me, I’ll be honest, I was a mess. 

From the moment Opportunity (Oppy) drove onto the screen, I knew this little rover would forever occupy a special place in my heart. Like when Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston were teaching it how to play fetch, but it kept bringing back meteorite samples from different parts of the park? Aw man, I was laughing so much. What a stupid little sophisticated 20 Mhz RA6000 CPU with 128 MB of DRAM.