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“Third Time’s the Charm,” Hillary Clinton Mutters While Staring Placidly into Mirror

CHAPPAQUA, NY: Standing in the bathroom of her Westchester residence, Hillary Clinton was overheard in an attempt at positive manifestation, chanting, “I’m going to become president,” and muttering to no one in particular that “there’s no one who can stop me.” Staring at her own reflection in the polished metal, the 71-year-old politician concluded the tired monologue by trailing off with the words, “third time’s the charm…”

It’s Not Gay If You Vote for Conversion Therapy, Bro

By Former GOP Congressman Aaron Schock

Yes, I made out with a man at Coachella yesterday. Yes, I have been quietly bringing twinks to my apartment in DC for years. Yes, I spent my anti-LGBT campaign contributions on luxurious late-night dates with young men and overpriced tickets to Katy Perry. But before you pass judgment, just remember one thing: I voted against gay marriage, so I can’t be gay. It’s not gay if you vote against LGBT rights, bro.

Just What it Was Intended For: Apple’s Measure App Collects Dick Size of Every Man in America

CUPERTINO, CA- Since introducing its new Measure app in June, Apple has successfully obtained the dick size of every man in America, a spokeswoman for the tech giant announced on Friday.

“It was quite simple, really,” Kathryn Eiss, Apple’s Chair of Public Relations, told reporters. “We were hanging out in Cupertino just shooting the shit, and Monique from accounting was like, ‘I wonder what the real average American dick size is.’ Well, we put our engineers to work on the project right away, but even we couldn’t have guessed how successful it would be.”

Indiana Voter Really More of a Boobigieg Man

GARY, IN—As presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg gains more media coverage, area voter Kyle Redford admitted today that while he finds the candidate generally agreeable, he is just more of a Boobigieg man when it comes down to it.
“There’s nothing wrong with Buttigieg,” said Redford of the openly gay mayor. “I would happily take Buttigieg any day over no candidate at all. I’m just saying that South Bend is a little too south. I like some curves further north.”

Physics Faculty Heads to Florida for Spring Training

PALM SPRINGS, FL -- To work some rust off after the long winter offseason, the faculty of the Harvard physics department has taken their lab equipment south for the annual week of Spring Training, where they plan to work bent coils back into shape and gear up for a strong season.

Top 100 Candidates for NASA’s Space Comedian Program

Louis CK strapped to a rocket

NASA has recently announced that they are considering onboard comedians to accompany the astronauts on the first human Mars mission to help the team through stressful situations. Although this program may be far off in the future, there are some obvious candidates that come to mind. These comedians will be sure to provide a sense of unity for the squad, reduce psychological stress, boost morale, and definitely not leverage their comedic charm for bizarrely specific sexual acts while living in close proximity.

AIDS Epidemic Dazzles Audiences with Split-Second Cameo in Bohemian Rhapsody

OSCARS-At the Golden Globes, Bohemian Rhapsody cemented its status as a solid Oscar contender after winning the award for Best Motion Picture-Drama. The movie centers around the late Freddie Mercury but to the untrained eye you might have missed the greatest star of all: The AIDS Epidemic scrolling through the credits in size 5 font.

The Saddest Part of Marley and Me was When the Mars Rover Died

Opportunity rover

I don’t normally cry during movies, but when the Mars Rover died at the end of Marley and Me, I’ll be honest, I was a mess. 

From the moment Opportunity (Oppy) drove onto the screen, I knew this little rover would forever occupy a special place in my heart. Like when Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston were teaching it how to play fetch, but it kept bringing back meteorite samples from different parts of the park? Aw man, I was laughing so much. What a stupid little sophisticated 20 Mhz RA6000 CPU with 128 MB of DRAM.

I am Happy the Score Was 13-3 Because 14 is the Highest Number I Can Think of

super bowl
Hello everyone. I have a confession to make. I am deeply relieved Super Bowl LIII’s score was 13-3 because my brain genuinely cannot conceive of a number higher than 14.
It was just me and the boys, watching the big game. But I was so, so nervous. None of them knew my secret. With each Rams pass, each Brady hair flip, I was horrified that the score of either team might exceed 14. What would I say? Who would I answer to?

Facebook, You’re Despicable, But Potentially Less So If You Gave Me A Job

Lady typing on laptop
Dear Facebook/Mark Zuckerberg/whom it may concern: