Cambridge, MA--According to reports, a Harvard computer algorithm expressly designed to help students find love has given up. 

"We're experiencing issues with user results," said a message on the algorithm's website. "The problem is you people. Like, how does this happen?"

The algorithm proceeded to cite the fact that the classic 1970 film Love Story took place at Harvard. "I don't believe it. Love is dead, frozen along with the Charles River," it said.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Last week, asbestos found in the building materials of Winthrop House raised concerns about the safety of those unfortunate enough to still live there. Ever dedicated to serious investigative journalism, SatireV sent in a team to discover what other potential safety hazards were lurking in the walls and ceilings. That team never returned. We sent in a second team, because our regard for human life does not exceed our ravenous need for dirt (figurative and literal). This time they had more success.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On Saturday, one really, really old student-run publication released its annual parodical version of another really, really old student-run publication, despite the fact that the weighty inevitability of death continued to cast an ominous shadow on all involved. 

Some students chuckled, recognizing the effort that the first publication had gone toward putting together a fake campus newspaper. Indeed, these readers momentarily forgot the inevitable truth that one day the sun will literally explode. 

In addition to the new flavored water machines, students returning to campus after winter break were also greeted by flavored food in many of Harvard’s undergraduate dining halls.

The new food choices are part of Harvard University Dining Services’ efforts to expand beyond the dependable, if one-dimensional, flavor of dry chicken breast, according to HUDS spokesperson Mary Culver.

“We hope to introduce the subtleties of flavor to the masses: earthy depths, smoky edginess, and revolutionary harmonies of taste sensation,” said Culver. “Or just taste in general.”

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Dear Harvard College Students, Faculty, and Affiliates,

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Today the faculty of Harvard College came together to celebrate a non-denominational “Winter Celebration,” which featured a Yankee swap that ended in quarrels and eggnog-fueled sobbing.

Placemat: This is for finding out how to talk about race with your families. Issues like racism are easily watered down to a placemat.