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Harvard

Harvard Students Rejected By Algorithm After Asking For Valentine

Cambridge, MA--According to reports, a Harvard computer algorithm expressly designed to help students find love has given up. 

"We're experiencing issues with user results," said a message on the algorithm's website. "The problem is you people. Like, how does this happen?"

The algorithm proceeded to cite the fact that the classic 1970 film Love Story took place at Harvard. "I don't believe it. Love is dead, frozen along with the Charles River," it said.

Other Things Found in Winthrop Walls

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Last week, asbestos found in the building materials of Winthrop House raised concerns about the safety of those unfortunate enough to still live there. Ever dedicated to serious investigative journalism, SatireV sent in a team to discover what other potential safety hazards were lurking in the walls and ceilings. That team never returned. We sent in a second team, because our regard for human life does not exceed our ravenous need for dirt (figurative and literal). This time they had more success.

Historic Campus Publications Continue Feud Despite Inevitability of Death

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On Saturday, one really, really old student-run publication released its annual parodical version of another really, really old student-run publication, despite the fact that the weighty inevitability of death continued to cast an ominous shadow on all involved. 

Some students chuckled, recognizing the effort that the first publication had gone toward putting together a fake campus newspaper. Indeed, these readers momentarily forgot the inevitable truth that one day the sun will literally explode. 

Harvard Dining Introduces Flavored Food

In addition to the new flavored water machines, students returning to campus after winter break were also greeted by flavored food in many of Harvard’s undergraduate dining halls.

The new food choices are part of Harvard University Dining Services’ efforts to expand beyond the dependable, if one-dimensional, flavor of dry chicken breast, according to HUDS spokesperson Mary Culver.

“We hope to introduce the subtleties of flavor to the masses: earthy depths, smoky edginess, and revolutionary harmonies of taste sensation,” said Culver. “Or just taste in general.”

Something Something First-Generation Students Are Welcome or Whatever

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Dean Dingman: We're Going To Make OSL The Shit

Dear Harvard College Students, Faculty, and Affiliates,

Faculty Yankee Swap Ends in Fighting, Tears

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Today the faculty of Harvard College came together to celebrate a non-denominational “Winter Celebration,” which featured a Yankee swap that ended in quarrels and eggnog-fueled sobbing.

First Semester Arabic Student Eagerly Awaits CIA Recruitment

Having completed his first semester of Arabic, Tim Hughes '19 indicated that he believes he has now acquired the necessary skills to join the Central Intelligence Agency. Emerging from his Arabic final exam yesterday, Hughes was seen repeatedly checking his texts, email, Facebook, and Tinder because, in his view, "you never know how or when they might contact you."
 

Satire V's Guide To Politically Correct Table Settings

Placemat: This is for finding out how to talk about race with your families. Issues like racism are easily watered down to a placemat. 

Better Titles for House Masters

In light of the recent controversy over the title of Housemaster, Satire V has compiled a list of titles we feel would more suitably capture the essence of the benevolent mastery from the leaders of the houses.

 

House Keeper

House Khan

House Duke

House Caliph

House Führer

Dr. House

House Hunters

House Overseer

House of Pain

Grand Imperial Wizard

Mom and Dad

Oh captain my captain

Safe-space-maker in chief

House buddy

Mini Faust

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