SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Harvard

Student Devastated After Hot TF Won’t Put Out Post-Faculty Dinner

What began as a seemingly perfect date night ended in utter tragedy this past Tuesday night as Kirkland Sophomore Jeremiah Fisler came to the realization that Sarah Silverson, his 27 year-old Sex and the Citizen TF, would not put out – even after two glasses of Kirkland’s finest Chateau Domaine de I’Eglise.

Fisler ensured that his extending an invitation to Silverson was not simply a ploy to bring up his less than satisfactory C- in the class, claiming that he honestly loved Sarah and was honored to be able to spend any time with her, if only for one night.

Tags: 
Faculty Dinner
TF

Quiet Kid in Class Actually Just Really Weird

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard junior Trisha Richman was disappointed to find that Alex McGovern, the quiet kid from her English section, is in fact a very strange and socially inept person.

“He just seemed really mysterious,” Richman said of the pale, gangly sophomore. 

Richman, whose previous efforts to engage McGovern in small talk had been unsuccessful, finally managed to corner the mildly anti-social boy with a meticulously crafted question about the relative merits of David Foster Wallace’s The Pale King as a follow-up to Infinite Jest. 

Tags: 
Harvard
section

Boston Lawyer – Faust, You Made One Crucial Mistake In Handling The Cheating Scandal: Committing Five Counts of Voluntary Manslaughter

The Room is dark, shades drawn.  Sirens outside.

Well, Drew, I’ve looked over the evidence, and it ain’t pretty.  You didn’t handle this scandal very well.  Not very well at all.  

Listen, I could handle the lying.  I could handle the lying about the lying.  Heck, I could even handle setting up Dean Hammonds to take the fall for the whole mess.  Your mess. 

Lights Cigarette.

Tags: 
Lawyer
Faust
Cheating
Noir

Student Groups React on the Eve of Tyga's Performance

Satire V: How does your organization feel about Tyga performing at Yardfest tomorrow?

Harvard Basketball Team: Tyga's coming?? Aww, sick man! I love that dude's cereal! I used to have it like every day before practice in high school. Yo! Tell Tony I say hi!

Tags: 
yardfest
Tyga

New Student Group to Teach Students How to Dribble A Basketball

CAMBRIDGE, MA- A new student group organized by the Phillips Brooks House Association has just been formed with the goal of teaching every Harvard undergraduate how to dribble a basketball.

Tags: 
Harvard
basketball
PBHA

Jon Huntsman Struck By Lightning After Addressing Climate Change

CAMBRIDGE, MA- Jon Huntsman is in critical condition after reportedly being struck by lightning during a John F. Kennedy Jr. Forum event.

After a Kennedy School student posed a question about combatting global warming, Huntsman joked, “As a Republican, I might get struck by lightning for talking about this!”

Tags: 
Hunstman
Climate Change

Emboldened by Success, Crimson Calls for Secretary of Transportation to Resign

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- After receiving over thirty comments on its editorial calling for Dean Hammonds’ resignation, a power-mad Editorial Board has decided that Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood is no longer fit for his job. 

According to a leaked source, the editorial, which will appear in tomorrow’s paper, condemns LaHood for his management of the construction on JFK St. last year, and his refusal to give a straight answer about whether the T is going to ever run after 2am.

Tags: 
Harvard
Crimson
Hammonds

Remorseful Tyga Apologizes For Lyrics That, After Close Analysis, Could Possibly Be Interpreted as Demeaning to Women

In a move shocking to many, world-reknown hip-hop artist and rapper Tyga called Harvard University President Drew Faust late Sunday night to apologize after realizing that his lyrics could be seen as misogynistic.

Speaking to his fans via Facebook, Tyga released a brief statement relating to the call:

Aaron Carter and Smash Mouth to Headline Star-Studded Yardfest This Spring

In response to the growing dissatisfaction with recent Yardfests, the College Events Board announced this past week that pre-teen pop sensation Aaron Carter and notorious pop-punk quintet Smash Mouth will headline what promises to be an unprecedented Yardfest, featuring the likes of Vanilla Ice, Baha Men, Nickelback and Rebecca Black.

Tags: 
aaron carter
smash mouth
yardfest

Lesser Known Celebrities at Harvard

            We all know the daughters of CEOs, the nephews of barons and princes, and the Kennedys. But you may be surprised to find out that some of Harvard’s best and brightest are actually long-lost, lesser-known celebrities. Here’s a list of our most notable:

Tags: 
celebrities
Harvard
junie b. jones

Pages