Lowell sophomore Adam Adamson proudly announced the approval of his grant request earlier today. Adamson, who said he’s never felt like this before, also stated that cheating the university of its endowment so that he can watch Family Feud is the best idea he and the world have ever seen.

Cambridge, MA – In a yet contested ruling, the Cambridge City Council tentatively voted on Tuesday to convert Widener Library, which has symbolized Harvard University for almost a century, into a City Pool. The pool, which is unofficially being called the Suckett-Harvard Pool, after Revolutionary hero Geribald Suckett and its location in Harvard Square, will span multiple levels, allowing ample room for both lap swimming and free swimming.

Sean Penn arrived at the JFK Jr. Forum at the Harvard Institute of Politics on February 26, haggard-looking and beet-red, explaining to the stunned audience that he had just escaped Willy Wonka’s hellish Chocolate Factory. These comments mark the third event in an increasing feud between the Academy Award-winning actor and the famed chocolatier.

Harvard University Dining Services is once again preparing for an anticipated increase in the demand for hot dogs on February 14. The annual phenomenon, occurring yearly on Valentine’s Day, generally sees the College’s various eateries go through nearly a ton of hot dogs, with Annenburg alone going through several thousand. Although the typical undergraduate seems to take only two at a time, there have been reports of students furtively carrying as many as four or five out of the dining halls.