As Mass Ave ran red with blood and hellish screams tore open the night, Commissioner Bentham of the Harvard University Police Department has announced that HUPD has “lost control of Cambridge and the immediate Harvard campus” and that Harvard students are “on your own, kids.  God save your souls.” 

Bentham, who spoke via a secure phone line in a HUPD saferoom, wished Harvard students the best of luck, but emphasized that HUPD can no longer provide any protection to students.

Jerry Harper, a freshman who has befriended over 65% of the class of 2017 on Facebook, has eaten dinner alone in Annenberg for the 30th time this semester.

This morning Undergraduate Council President Tara Raghuveer congratulated the student representatives of the UC for “winning back weekend shuttles for all students,” though she conspicuously did not mention the UC’s failure to stop the near constant bloodshed in Iraq.

“This is what happens when you demand relevance!” shouted Raghuveer joyously, as the Shia and Sunnis of Fallujah looked upon each other as deadly insurgents instead of countrymen.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to reports from Al Jazeera Quad, Cabot House’s recent UC election has ended in a 380-way tie. As of Monday morning, the UC Commission had yet to decide a method for resolving the unprecedented result, in which all 380 residents of Cabot House received the same number of votes—zero. The UC’s bylaws and constitution make no provisions for such a result, according to UC legal scholar Michael Wasserman ’14.

Mark “The Scoop” Sabbert, Flyby’s premier inside man, is two drinks away from getting some great details for the Crimson’s Flyby Final Club survey.   Holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in his left hand, Sabbert struggles to open his notepad as he interviews a member of the Owl club.

“Oh god, I, I don’t, I don’t even know which club this is.  Hello?  Is this the SPEE?  SPEE CLUB?  No?  Oh.  Can I, CAN I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS? HELLO?”

Upon receiving an anonymous tip, Satire V staff donned cutting-edge disguise technology to infiltrate the Crimson and find the real scoop. The Crimson does not wish you to see this information, but we at Satire V believe in freedom of information. These are the freshmen. These are their stories.

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