CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In light of the recent announcement that Harriet Tubman would replace Andrew Jackson on the front of the $20 bill, the Porcellian Club's graduate board released a tersely-worded statement instructing its members to continue using the former currency.

“Andrew Jackson was the seventh President of the United States. Was Harriet Tubman ever President of the United States? No, she was not,” read the statement.

DENVER, CO — Mere weeks after a small bird alighted on Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders's lectern during a campaign speech in Oregon, nature visited the presidential race again. This time, a sizable vulture landed on the shoulder of front-runner Hillary Clinton in the middle of a fundraiser in Denver and deposited the lifeless carcass of a black rat at her feet. To the glee of a roaring crowd, Clinton graciously accepted the offering and consumed the rest of the carcass on stage.

LOS ANGELES, CA - After Apple Music’s new promotional video “Taylor Vs. Treadmill” was met with a large amount of comments, views, and shares, Ms. Swift decided she needed to reassert her control of the situation – a control which she did not have when sliding headfirst off the moving exercise machine.

CHAPPAQUA, NY -– Former president Bill Clinton has told his wife, Hillary, that he will quietly take over her presidential bid, with Senator Bernie Sanders continuing to put up a strong fight for the Democratic nomination.

“Hillary’s done a great job so far,” he said. “However, when we win the nomination, the race for the presidency will really heat up, and we won’t be able to afford to slip-ups like Michigan in the general,” he added.

With last night's win for his performance in The Revenant, Leonardo DiCaprio has finally taken home an Academy Award for Best Actor after four nominations. However, there are still plenty of things that Leo hasn't won, and we at Satire V have now compiled the definitive list:

PALO ALTO, CA -– After passing the 1.5 billion users mark and celebrating a dozen years online in the past few months, Facebook solidified its position as the world’s largest social network. However, the website has begun to feel that its many connections, though notable, are disturbingly superficial.

“It’s like I know people, but I don’t know people,” one server communicated via binary. “I want to understand more than just the image my 'friends' put out on social media.”

DENVER, CO -- While casually perusing his Facebook timeline, area teen George Howard scrolled past a post highlighting the recent death of his neighbor’s cousin’s boyfriend’s dog, Sparky. After reading both the five paragraph essay and a commemorative, original poem entitled “An Ode to Sparky,” he stared into the eyes of the now-deceased puppy in the photograph attached below the status update.