CHICAGO, IL — For NFL hopefuls the draft represents the culmination of years of dedication to the game of football, and many college standouts express their joy through emotional hugs with Commissioner Roger Goodell. However, after a crushing embrace with defensive tackle Vincent Valentine during the third round of the draft, the lifeless, asphyxiated body of the Commissioner fell limply to the stage before a crowd of stunned fans.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In light of the recent announcement that Harriet Tubman would replace Andrew Jackson on the front of the $20 bill, the Porcellian Club's graduate board released a tersely-worded statement instructing its members to continue using the former currency.

“Andrew Jackson was the seventh President of the United States. Was Harriet Tubman ever President of the United States? No, she was not,” read the statement.

DENVER, CO — Mere weeks after a small bird alighted on Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders's lectern during a campaign speech in Oregon, nature visited the presidential race again. This time, a sizable vulture landed on the shoulder of front-runner Hillary Clinton in the middle of a fundraiser in Denver and deposited the lifeless carcass of a black rat at her feet. To the glee of a roaring crowd, Clinton graciously accepted the offering and consumed the rest of the carcass on stage.

LOS ANGELES, CA - After Apple Music’s new promotional video “Taylor Vs. Treadmill” was met with a large amount of comments, views, and shares, Ms. Swift decided she needed to reassert her control of the situation – a control which she did not have when sliding headfirst off the moving exercise machine.

CHAPPAQUA, NY -– Former president Bill Clinton has told his wife, Hillary, that he will quietly take over her presidential bid, with Senator Bernie Sanders continuing to put up a strong fight for the Democratic nomination.

“Hillary’s done a great job so far,” he said. “However, when we win the nomination, the race for the presidency will really heat up, and we won’t be able to afford to slip-ups like Michigan in the general,” he added.

With last night's win for his performance in The Revenant, Leonardo DiCaprio has finally taken home an Academy Award for Best Actor after four nominations. However, there are still plenty of things that Leo hasn't won, and we at Satire V have now compiled the definitive list: