Sharks. Heart Disease. An elderly clown fellating a banana in the Cambridge Queen’s Head Pub. I cannot deny that these things are frightening. But has your measly primate brain grasped for a singular moment the fact that the entire planet will literally die in a generation or two? Forget missing out; the only FOMO I have is the fear of McLimate O'Change. 

In an effort to promote diversity within the acting community, we have decided to add some additional categories to our show this year. While we cannot include all of these amazing contributions on TV, we are so excited to share the nominees with you now. 

Most Potential in a Film for a Quirky Sequel Title

BEIJING, CHINA - In the latest escalation of its censorship policies, the Chinese government announced this morning that it had reached an agreement with Google to redirect every search result to one of 12,000 photographs of President Xi Jinping in various seductive poses and degrees of nudity.

LONDON- Prince Harry and Duchess Megan’s unborn child is already planning to murder the entire family in order to gain access to the crown. Extensive investigative reporting found plans to first take out the Queen, then slowly machete off each royal family member in line for the throne. 

MOREHEAD, NC — The Flat Earth Society came under fire on Tuesday when it could not disprove that the earth is actually one of God's balls.

A new theory about the divine origin of earth's roundness was published in the April edition of Planets: Educational Network for Interspace Systems. Asked for comment, Anita Thompson, the head of the Flat Earth Society’s PR team, stated, “The Flat Earth Society has long suspected that the earth is part of God’s genitalia, but we had assumed that it was a flatter portion of the reproductive organs, such as the skin of the scrotum.”

EARTH—In humanity’s latest effort to spit in the face of its creator, tech deity Elon Musk and space exploration firm Space X landed the first rocket on a rocket today.

“I’m tellin’ you guys, this is fucking dope,” said Musk, “The future of space travel requires a big, big rocket that can shoot up fucking high as shit into the heavens and then blast back down and land on another big, big rocket! Ohhhhhhhh yeah!”

Experts are saying this is the most significant achievement in the pa—

Breaking: Musk Lands First Rocket Rocket on a Rocket Rocket

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—In a press conference this Saturday, CEO Lior Yavor announced that Doodle®, the company that makes the popular web application Doodle Poll, has extensive information about where you are and what extracurriculars you have time for.