and entering


The Cure to Coronavirus is Me, an Influencer Who is Doing Jack Shit

Hello, lovelies! I know this outbreak has been super stressful for all of us, so I just wanted to hop back on here to spread a message of hope to all of you: stay strong. We’re going to get through this together, I promise! And how do I know this? Well it’s because I know the key to solving this crisis: me.

Hey, Remember Me?

by Hand Soap

Hi there. I know it’s been a while since you used me. And I know it’s been rough: you moved off campus and I’m left on the floor of your in-suite Eliot bathroom. For a while, I thought it was me. I was the problem, I was the source of your unhappiness. Then I see her. I see her ethyl-alcohol base and I can see right through her and through you. You picked hand sanitizer over me, and I’m not angry like at all. I’m just disappointed.  

You’ve Heard of Phallic Symbolism, But What About Phalanx Symbolism?

phalanx symbolism
With the rise of “Phallic Symbolism,” unfortunately people have totally overlooked the amount of Phalanx symbolism in the world.

Ah Yes, I Love the Tri-State Area: Dakota, Massachusetts, and Vermont

by a 5th Dimensional Sprite


From the amber plains of Massachusetts to the amber plains of Vermont, as an American there is no greater joy than driving down the Pacifist Coach Highway through the beautiful tri-state DMV area. 

Take this tale from the road, if you will. On a particularly loopy zip-zap through zeta Möbius strip Town, a humble gas worker once asked me, “Would you like a burger?” Of course, I responded in kind, “For purple mountains, your majesty!” Ha ha! Classic.

6 Tips To Perfect The Zootycall

1. Turn your zoom breakout session into a zoom makeout session

Remember you can’t spell quarantine without U R A Q T

2. Love is in the share

Ask to screenshare and have tabs open to “am I too good at sex” or “how to be less understanding and emotionally intelligent.” Be sure to act embarrassed, but not surprised.

3. Claim “host” ownership, then remove the professor and all the other students except your crush and pretend like it's destiny

Insecure Teens Rejoice as Face-Hiding Becomes Commonplace

SELF-ISOLATION, USA—Insecure adolescents the world over are now celebrating COVID-19’s unexpected silver lining: with the newly widespread use of face masks and respirators, they can now participate in polite society, unabashed and unhindered by their average looks.

It’s Okay, No One Was Coming to Your Event Anyway


by COVID-19

I couldn’t help but notice the tear rolling down your cheek as you hit delete on the Facebook event for the two-week reunion of your daughter's christening over concerns of my ability to lay waste to the human species. But let's be honest. You didn’t have to do that. No one was coming anyway.

Area Cartographer Gives Up On Creating World Map To Scale


UPPSALA, SWEDEN -- Rolling up the many, many, many pieces of his latest mapping project, area cartographer Elias Karlsson finally set aside his most recent, most ambitious project: creating a map of the world to actual scale, whilst still following Amerigo Vespucci’s 16 Principes Fondamentaux de La Cartographie. 

"Tough Crowd” Says Guy Speaking After Greta Thunberg


DAVOS, SWITZERLAND -- “Bloody hell,” muttered UK delegate Thomas R. Walpole after hearing he was scheduled to address the World Economic Forum directly after Greta Thunberg. Facing the tough act of following the teenage environmentalist’s passionate plea for revolutionary transformation, the UK Acting Second Junior Deputy Undersecretary of Finance reportedly sought to ensure that his speech on “The Importance of Agricultural Futures in Post-Supranationalist Economic Interchanges” would be equally as enthralling. 

Santa’s Reindeer to Strike After “Optimization” of North Pole by Prominent Consulting Firm

NORTH POLE -- Protests have rocked the North Pole this week due to a number of recent changes made by its administration. Most notably, reindeer’s pay and living conditions have degraded significantly following redesign of ICE-CICLE run stables as advocated for by the McWhimsy consulting firm.